On Your Mark. Get Set. Fight!

  What are some things that come to mind when you hear someone mention eating disorders?? 
  I think some common thoughts may be... Someone who deals with "thin" thinking, starvation, self induced purging, or an obsession with weight. These can all be  part of  an eating disorder, but they do not even begin to describe what life with one is really like.


  When I think of eating disorders I think...Extreme fear of food, overwhelming pain (both emotional and physical), paralyzing fear, unattainable control, perfectionism, low self esteem, depression, even death.  Feelings of being worthless, trapped, and without hope are often there as well.  
  An eating disorder is not simply an issue of dealing with an unhealthy relationship with food or weight.  It goes much deeper than that.  An eating disorder is not a sickness that stands on its own.  It is a symptom of lies we believe.  It is a coping mechanism for pain and uncertainty we face in life.  There is an unrealistic standard we are living to please. 
   
  In an earlier visit with one of my counselors, she told me that she could not work any harder than I was willing to work.  In order to get over my eating issues, I had to start dealing with what was causing them.  No-one else could do it for me (..as much as I would have loved having that as an option.. ;-)  This is one of the first things I think we need to realize to start a full recovery. 
  Wanting to be somewhere else in life and getting there are two very different things.  We are going to have to be willing to put in a lot of work (and tears) to reach our goal of freedom.  It can be scary to start dealing with the emotional side of "Ed".  It's not always going to be easy..infact painful at times.  But it will be totally worth it!  


  I know right now there may not be an obvious light at the end of the tunnel inspiring us to go on.  But it is there!  We just have to get up and take those first few steps in faith...believing that someday that light of hope will appear, encouraging us to fight that much harder. 

  "It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop."

  I do not want to make this blog's focus to be all "woe is thee who doth suffer from disordered eating". :-p  I have been down that road full of self pity and pouting many times. (who am I kidding...I am still on it..oops..)  This road has never taken me anywhere worth being in life though. 
  I want this to be a blog of action and application.  That is what will take us over to freedom!
Just remember...
                            "Anything worth having is worth fighting for"

Are you ready?

Journey To Freedom

  First, I would like to thank those of you that have taken the time to write some words of encouragement!  You have been a great blessing to me! :-)

  Next, before I really get into blogging about my steps of recovery, I would like to share a quick version of my story so you can know a little of where I'm coming from.  I wrote this over a year ago but still read it often to remind myself of my goals and the reason I am even fighting this battle. This is no way for someone to live.

  Eating disorders can come in many forms (Extreme Dieting, Anorexia, Bulimia, Orthorexia, EDNOS,....)  My own personal battle, however, is against Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D)

  "Hello. My Name is Amy.  I am a binge eater and this is my story..." ;-)

 ~Once upon a time I was skinny. While that's how I looked on the outside, inside I felt fat, hidious, and undesireable. Extreme? Maybe. But it's what I truly believed about myself starting around the wonderful age of 14. Thoughts of becoming thinner and how that would make me prettier and more likable started to consume me...and as goes the story for many young girls with this mindset, yes, an eating disorder slowly started finding its way into my life.
  I was afraid of food and what it would do to me. Everything that made it into my mouth I regretted later. I would exercise obsessively and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had sweat enough that day to make up for my calorie intake (even if that meant staying up passed 2am). Exercise could mean: dancing, tons of pilates, walking for hours, crunches, push-ups, weights, etc..all in one day!
  I remember overeating and then exercising once to the point of being sick. I was laid up the whole next day but was still unwilling to admit there was a problem. My only problem, I thought, was being "overweight".

  As the years went by, and after trying numerous ways to control the weight, depression started hitting. I was never measuring up to my own expectations. I was never good enough! I failed! Those lies filled my own mind, but I quickly started to believe that that was what everyone else was thinking too. "Who could want me? How could anyone love me? Why would someone want a failure like this around?" Feelings of complete worthlessness were ruining me...
  The lies growing, the depression worsening, my eating disorder started to change. Now it took the form of emotional eating in response to the depression. This caused me to gain 15 pounds in a short period of time. You think I felt fat before?! Though I felt ashamed of my weight gain and appearance, I couldn't seem to stop eating. Was I just out of control?! This led to more depression...which led to more eating... which led to more weight gain...which led to more depression.... And I think you can start to see the pattern here. An ongoing cycle that keeps feeding off itself.


  But it's time for that cycle to end! I COULD be a size 2! But if that means feeling no energy throughout the day, living with depression, malnutrition, low self-esteem, and numerous other health conditions which are linked to eating disorders and can be potentionally fatal...I DON'T WANT IT!


  I'm tired of living in a time where we are so often fed to believe "thin is in!"


  Today I choose to stop bowing down to my idol- the scale...the size 2 jeans...acceptance...the lies! I want to be HEALTHY again! I want the energy back to start living and enjoying this life God gave me! I want to believe that I don't have to be a certain size or look a certain way to be loved. I want to be me again! To accept and become the person God desires me to be! Not this unrealistic person I have drawn out for myself...

...I know that just admitting my weakness is not going to help me get better. I'm going to have to work for this. There will be old and new temptations and many hard days ahead...

  An addiction revolved around food is, I honestly believe, one of the hardest to overcome.
  We NEED the nutrition food provides us with daily. I can't just say I want to get over my eating issues and throw away all my food to never be reminded of my past again...
  Our bodies can only function in a healthy manner when we take proper care of them. Each meal I sit down for is a potential reminder and temptation to take control again. The temptation to say "No" to what I need and give in to what has brought me here in the first place is always there.


  I know there is victory over this and that God can use my personal struggle to relate to others in similar situations. I want them to see that they too can overcome this. I can't wait for the day when I can look back to what I've been through, standing in my freedom!

Where I have been The Past Couple Months...

Wow! It's been a long time since I have been on here... 

..I'm afraid I have been lacking to find inspiration and motivation lately. The past couple months I have been suffering from a relapse in both depression and with my "lovely friend, Ed" (also known as an Eating Disorder...) These things have walked hand and hand, feeding each other and playing an unfortunately large roll in my life.  However, earlier this year I had a taste of what life could be like without them.  A life of freedom.  Freedom to accept myself for who I am...Freedom to eat without fear...Freedom to just be me!  That freedom tasted goood. ;-)

  But as we all know, life has a way of changing quite often and at times without much warning.  Instead of falling, looking at the road blocks that had landed in my path, and getting up to deal with them... I fell. Stared at the large blocks. Then grabbed some poptarts and everything else I could find to eat (or chose to starve myself).  Sad but true. 
  I stayed there..confused and scared.  The longer I stayed down though, the more my old habits were starting to find their way back to me. It didn't take long before I felt they had taken back control of defining who I was and how I live my life.

  This is where you find me now.  I feel stuck and very discouraged with myself.  But in remembering that I have experienced joy and freedom in the past..this shows me that it can be experienced again.  It is possible.

  So.  Instead of continuing to suffer in my relapse.  I now choose to use it.  I think I found my inspiration and motivation for my blog once again. ;-)
  My next series of posts will be mostly centered around the journey to recovery.  Not only my own recovery, but I hope to hear from you as well.  I would love to see where your journey has/is taking, showing, and teaching you now. Let this be a place of encouragement and hope.  We are not in this battle alone. 

My Own Worst Enemy

*I want to believe

but find it hard to surrender

to be in the family

but not like the others

I stand as my own

and not with the world

it seems so routine

for a spontaneous girl

yet even through those thoughts

these scream even louder

where am I?

who am I?

why am I here?

*I want to laugh

without all the shame

a thing felt unfair

while others face pain

we have such convenience

but feel all put out

I want to feel poverty

but long for more wealth

and even through those thoughts

these scream even louder

why me before others?

when did that come routine?

me be a god?

by what reasoning?

*I want to live

with no need to fit in

I want to hand all

only over to Him

but still in my heart

I go searching for more

empty fulfillment

now more lost than before

acceptance, I fight it

but instead draw it closer

converting my enemy into my brother

still through those thoughts

these scream even louder

what's this I search for?

a cure for such heartache?

is it worth my pursuing?

or have I started too late?

*I want to look back

without such regrets

but fighting through life

I stop and I rest

looking back where I've been

there's one bold lettered word

"failure" stands out

makes me wonder my worth

now through those thoughts

these scream even louder

can mistakes be erased?

can the glass be unshattered?

what is the process?

wonder, what does it take?

calm my one biggest fear

must I come face to face

with myself?

Thoughts...

                                                ...Sometimes in Life...

It's the small things that mean the most

...Sometimes in Life...

It's the unspoken that speaks the loudest

...Sometimes in Life...

                  It's the giving that brings back the most reward

 ...Sometimes in Life...

We have to feel weak to realize our strength

...Sometimes in Life...

We have to feel pain before we can heal

...Sometimes in Life...

We must have nothing before noticing we have everything...

~Love~

I needed these verses this week...

-The original version of the background picture-

My sister and I had the opportunity to go to Yosemite last summer...

It was absolutely Breathtaking!!!

I loved just getting to spend a day surrounded by such beauty!

Don't forget to slow down and really take in the works of our Creator today!

What an amazing God! :)

Life Lessons With Chester, The Bichon...

                     

                     If at first you don't succeed,

Try,

                                       Try Again!

                                                                                                                      
           
                                                           ;-)

When I Grow Up...I want To Be...A Mom! ;-)

...Cooks, judges, nurses, counselors, nutritionists, life coaches, cheerleaders, teachers,...etc. Put these careers together and what do we get?? A Mom! ;-)

I think we get so used to how our mothers routinely care/have cared for us...that we almost fail to notice all they really have done, what they sacrifice, and how much they give of themselves!

I don't know how they do it!
When I don't get enough sleep at night...well. Can anyone say Oscar the Grouch?! haha
But when I think of all the times my mom willingly lost sleep to stay up with me when I had a sore throat...When I woke her up over a bad dream or thunderstorm...I'm amazed. She was still able to wake up early the next morning, fix breakfast, get us started on our day, and keep a household of 5 up and running... (which is not always an easy task...)

My sisters and I may not have been the poster children for sharing and giving to one another...but we did get into a pretty regular habit of sharing one thing...Sickness! :-p

Mom would not even have to think twice before falling into nurse mode. Making us homemade chicken soup, bringing us plenty of liquids and cozy blankets, singing us to sleep and reading to us...and just helping in anyway she could to make us more comfortable...

(Sometimes I wish I were still 5 whenever I get sick. Minus the stuffy nose...it really was the life. ;-) haha)

Then of course there were those lovely teen years...
I tell you, I pushed my mom to the very edge of her limits. She gave until I'm sure she felt she could give no more...
Looking back, I'm surprised she didn't just put me up for adoption then and there...or send me to boot camp...haha (kidding of course... ;-p )
But somehow, after all I put her through, she still manages to tell me she loves me..

Yes. Mothers are only human...so they are far from perfect. They get tired, frustrated, and stressed...(and with good reason!!)
But when I think of what it means to be a mom..the things I really notice more than anything would be..How they are so selfless, caring, nurturing, and loving...

Moms sacrifice so much of their own needs, time, and sanity to provide for their families. I think we so often take this for granted.

Don't just let Mother's Day be the one day a year you really take time to celebrate and focus on your mom. Make it a regular habit to let her know how much you appreciate her and how thankful you are for all she has done for you! It could be a card, a phone call, meeting her for breakfast, giving her flowers, a simple kind word, etc. Let her know how much all the years, prayers, sweat, and tears she poured into your life means to you!

Thank you for taking the time to truly invest in our lives, Moms!

Happy Mother's Day!

One Small Step Toward Change...

So I have come to find...though facebook is a great way to keep up and in touch with people...it also may not be the wisest way I spend my time. Actually, it makes me quite lazy to be honest.

There always seems to be a list of things I need to accomplish..but don't. Things I probably should already have done around the house..but they still sit and wait. New things I would like to try.. but never seem to get around to doing. This is all about to change! ;-)

I have decided, for the benefit of personal growth and better time management, to go 30 days without facebook. Today is my 5th day. It is going pretty well so far...although by day 4 I realized I should probably cut back on more than just FB. (Why does Hulu have to tempt me by having so many House Hunters episodes on it?! haha)

Today is my first day with an internet limit. (I feel like a little kid..."Only 30 minutes on the computer, Amy. Start the timer...." Yes. There is actually a timer sitting next to me counting the minutes I'm on here... :-p )

Though this may seem kinda silly and small (getting over my little computer "addiction") I'm excited about finding and developing new hobbies and interests in my downtime.

Maybe there is something in your life that you feel could use a change. It may not be anything big.... Sometimes a healthy change in life starts with one small step.

Does anything come to mind?

Maybe...You feel the need to put on the tv right when you get home from work..to de-stress.
What if...You made a nice soothing cup of tea, snuggled into your favorite chair, and picked up that book you keep meaning to read?

Maybe...You always have to start your day with a tall cup of coffee.
What if...You started the day with a healthy and energizing smoothie instead?

Maybe...You just feel like sleeping when there is nothing calling your immediate attention. (Yes, it is possible to sleep Too Much!)
What if...You went outside to get some fresh air and to enjoy all the beauty that waits right outside your front door?

Maybe...You struggle with getting the exercise you need. (Like me..haha)
What if...You parked farther away next time you go to the store...or took the stairs instead of the elevator?

Small changes add up! Just give it a try and see for yourself. I challenge you to pick 1 (Just one!) thing in your life that could stand a little makeover. Then make an effort This Week to take that first step towards change.
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today" ;-)

- I would Love to hear some of your goals and ideas! Good luck! :)

Starting the week off right :-)

Here we go...1st post!

Growing up with 2 sisters = a bathroom full of nail polish, makeup, and curling irons....Fights over the mirror, trading clothes and shoes, and plenty of fashion advice (welcome or unwanted). Always trying to find ways to improve ourselves...whether it be a new haircut or change in our personal style. Though there is nothing at all wrong with changing and experimenting with new looks, I find it can at times become a very consuming thing...at least it did for me.



My mom would always remind us girls that "It's what is in the heart that really matters". It took me until this past year to really accept this and start applying it. Something I am still working on.


In a world where there is such a pressure on girls to be thin, have flawless skin, and stick to the rules of the latest fashion trends. A world that defines beauty by these things. It is easy to find yourself feeling like you don't measure up or to start putting yourself down. But why? The truth is, to meet such standards could be...simply put...unrealistic. We would be wasting a lot of life and would miss out on so much if we lived attempting to reach such physical "perfection". I did! I worked so hard to satisfy the world that I was missing out on being me and living MY life.


After years of battling with my image and letting it define who I was, I had enough! I was tired of bowing down and following the world's picture of beauty. I wanted more from life. I wanted to be more. It's hard to let go of old habits and mindsets on who I should be, but I feel like I am finally starting to grow. Finally starting to slowly become who I want to be.


I would like this blog to be a place where girls can share and help each other do the same. It could be by spreading encouragement, trading little tips, sharing fun ideas, etc... A place to focus on inner beauty, strength, character, and being an individual. Learning to love yourself and know that it's enough to just be you! :-)






Thanks for stopping by!