Journey To Freedom

  First, I would like to thank those of you that have taken the time to write some words of encouragement!  You have been a great blessing to me! :-)

  Next, before I really get into blogging about my steps of recovery, I would like to share a quick version of my story so you can know a little of where I'm coming from.  I wrote this over a year ago but still read it often to remind myself of my goals and the reason I am even fighting this battle. This is no way for someone to live.

  Eating disorders can come in many forms (Extreme Dieting, Anorexia, Bulimia, Orthorexia, EDNOS,....)  My own personal battle, however, is against Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D)

  "Hello. My Name is Amy.  I am a binge eater and this is my story..." ;-)

 ~Once upon a time I was skinny. While that's how I looked on the outside, inside I felt fat, hidious, and undesireable. Extreme? Maybe. But it's what I truly believed about myself starting around the wonderful age of 14. Thoughts of becoming thinner and how that would make me prettier and more likable started to consume me...and as goes the story for many young girls with this mindset, yes, an eating disorder slowly started finding its way into my life.
  I was afraid of food and what it would do to me. Everything that made it into my mouth I regretted later. I would exercise obsessively and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had sweat enough that day to make up for my calorie intake (even if that meant staying up passed 2am). Exercise could mean: dancing, tons of pilates, walking for hours, crunches, push-ups, weights, etc..all in one day!
  I remember overeating and then exercising once to the point of being sick. I was laid up the whole next day but was still unwilling to admit there was a problem. My only problem, I thought, was being "overweight".

  As the years went by, and after trying numerous ways to control the weight, depression started hitting. I was never measuring up to my own expectations. I was never good enough! I failed! Those lies filled my own mind, but I quickly started to believe that that was what everyone else was thinking too. "Who could want me? How could anyone love me? Why would someone want a failure like this around?" Feelings of complete worthlessness were ruining me...
  The lies growing, the depression worsening, my eating disorder started to change. Now it took the form of emotional eating in response to the depression. This caused me to gain 15 pounds in a short period of time. You think I felt fat before?! Though I felt ashamed of my weight gain and appearance, I couldn't seem to stop eating. Was I just out of control?! This led to more depression...which led to more eating... which led to more weight gain...which led to more depression.... And I think you can start to see the pattern here. An ongoing cycle that keeps feeding off itself.


  But it's time for that cycle to end! I COULD be a size 2! But if that means feeling no energy throughout the day, living with depression, malnutrition, low self-esteem, and numerous other health conditions which are linked to eating disorders and can be potentionally fatal...I DON'T WANT IT!


  I'm tired of living in a time where we are so often fed to believe "thin is in!"


  Today I choose to stop bowing down to my idol- the scale...the size 2 jeans...acceptance...the lies! I want to be HEALTHY again! I want the energy back to start living and enjoying this life God gave me! I want to believe that I don't have to be a certain size or look a certain way to be loved. I want to be me again! To accept and become the person God desires me to be! Not this unrealistic person I have drawn out for myself...

...I know that just admitting my weakness is not going to help me get better. I'm going to have to work for this. There will be old and new temptations and many hard days ahead...

  An addiction revolved around food is, I honestly believe, one of the hardest to overcome.
  We NEED the nutrition food provides us with daily. I can't just say I want to get over my eating issues and throw away all my food to never be reminded of my past again...
  Our bodies can only function in a healthy manner when we take proper care of them. Each meal I sit down for is a potential reminder and temptation to take control again. The temptation to say "No" to what I need and give in to what has brought me here in the first place is always there.


  I know there is victory over this and that God can use my personal struggle to relate to others in similar situations. I want them to see that they too can overcome this. I can't wait for the day when I can look back to what I've been through, standing in my freedom!

Where I have been The Past Couple Months...

Wow! It's been a long time since I have been on here... 

..I'm afraid I have been lacking to find inspiration and motivation lately. The past couple months I have been suffering from a relapse in both depression and with my "lovely friend, Ed" (also known as an Eating Disorder...) These things have walked hand and hand, feeding each other and playing an unfortunately large roll in my life.  However, earlier this year I had a taste of what life could be like without them.  A life of freedom.  Freedom to accept myself for who I am...Freedom to eat without fear...Freedom to just be me!  That freedom tasted goood. ;-)

  But as we all know, life has a way of changing quite often and at times without much warning.  Instead of falling, looking at the road blocks that had landed in my path, and getting up to deal with them... I fell. Stared at the large blocks. Then grabbed some poptarts and everything else I could find to eat (or chose to starve myself).  Sad but true. 
  I stayed there..confused and scared.  The longer I stayed down though, the more my old habits were starting to find their way back to me. It didn't take long before I felt they had taken back control of defining who I was and how I live my life.

  This is where you find me now.  I feel stuck and very discouraged with myself.  But in remembering that I have experienced joy and freedom in the past..this shows me that it can be experienced again.  It is possible.

  So.  Instead of continuing to suffer in my relapse.  I now choose to use it.  I think I found my inspiration and motivation for my blog once again. ;-)
  My next series of posts will be mostly centered around the journey to recovery.  Not only my own recovery, but I hope to hear from you as well.  I would love to see where your journey has/is taking, showing, and teaching you now. Let this be a place of encouragement and hope.  We are not in this battle alone.