*One of my goals for the future is to be able to open my doors to anyone that may need a safe place to rest and recover from Ed. I want to be able to use my story to help others that are going through similar situations.
This song was written for them... <3
~A little girl
looks into the mirror
but doesn't like
who's staring back at her
so turning 'round
she throws her lunch away
..hoping to make a change
and it just tears me apart
..breaks my heart
that you can't see how beautiful you are
....
But it's for you I live
and it's for you I fight
..you give meaning to my life
and every morning I wake up
and the world is pressing down on me
it's you that's pushing me to try
And I am gonna give my all
until I feel there's nothing left
..I will not give up on you
..Cause you helped save my life
~She's 17
and crying once again
can barely breathe
feel no-one has listened
She's reaching out
why do you pass her by?
can't you hear her...screaming out for life?
and it just tears me apart
breaks my heart
that you can't clearly see how strong you are
.....
But it's for you I live
and it's for you I fight
It's you. inspiring my life.
and every time that I fall down..
and I feel I just can't get back up
I picture us
standing in our freedom
......
when you are weak
I want to be there
When you are falling
I want to help catch you
I want to be...the one that's by your side..
(and eventually this song may have an ending if I ever get around to writing it.. :-p )
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Lonely Inspiration
Life with an eating disorder can be extremely exhausting and painful. I often feel alone, misunderstood and judged. I feel that people are more concerned about fixing me than they are with just loving me...As I am. Eating issues and all.
Sometimes you just need to cry. Sometimes you just want to be held. Sometimes you need someone to speak truth to help fight out all the lies that go along with "Ed". I want to have real friendships. Friendships that one can be open and honest in....to have friends that you can spend your good days AND your bad ones with (without fear of being looked at differently or having them try to fix your problems). I want someone to love me when I'm laughing or when I'm crying...when I'm 120 pounds..or 220....when I'm happy Amy or struggling Amy...
I want someone to believe in me and to fight with me...
It's these feelings that help to inspire and push me on in life..
My life is not my own. I know God has allowed me to go through these things for a reason and that He can use my struggles to help reach out and relate to others. I'm not simply fighting for myself. I'm not just trying to get better so that I can live a free and peachy life..
I want to show people that recovery is really possible. I want to be there for others when they feel those same feelings of being misunderstood or judged. No one should feel like they have to fight alone...
To those that struggle with an eating disorder. To the cutter. To the one possibly thinking of ending your pain....
1. You're not alone
2. I'm not saying this just to say it..I've been where you have been..and There Really Is Hope!
3. I'm SO proud of you for fighting!
4. You are loved Just as you are.
5. You inspire and encourage me to move forward in my own journey...Thank You!
6. You got this! :)
7. I may not know you by name..but I'm praying for you
When the struggle with food starts up, I find myself backing away from people. I hate comments like "you're going to have to suck it up and get over it..your thinking is wrong."..."It's just food".."You're being selfish"..."It's just one milkshake...you're not fat, Amy"..etc.
I hate that feeling like I need to put on a happy face and be all bubbly and fun for people. When an eating disorder is taking up most of your energy at the moment...that's the last thing you really want to do.
Sometimes you just need to cry. Sometimes you just want to be held. Sometimes you need someone to speak truth to help fight out all the lies that go along with "Ed". I want to have real friendships. Friendships that one can be open and honest in....to have friends that you can spend your good days AND your bad ones with (without fear of being looked at differently or having them try to fix your problems). I want someone to love me when I'm laughing or when I'm crying...when I'm 120 pounds..or 220....when I'm happy Amy or struggling Amy...
I want someone to believe in me and to fight with me...
It's these feelings that help to inspire and push me on in life..
My life is not my own. I know God has allowed me to go through these things for a reason and that He can use my struggles to help reach out and relate to others. I'm not simply fighting for myself. I'm not just trying to get better so that I can live a free and peachy life..
I want to show people that recovery is really possible. I want to be there for others when they feel those same feelings of being misunderstood or judged. No one should feel like they have to fight alone...
To those that struggle with an eating disorder. To the cutter. To the one possibly thinking of ending your pain....
1. You're not alone
2. I'm not saying this just to say it..I've been where you have been..and There Really Is Hope!
3. I'm SO proud of you for fighting!
4. You are loved Just as you are.
5. You inspire and encourage me to move forward in my own journey...Thank You!
6. You got this! :)
7. I may not know you by name..but I'm praying for you
Let's believe in recovery Together!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
On Your Mark. Get Set. Fight!
What are some things that come to mind when you hear someone mention eating disorders??
I think some common thoughts may be... Someone who deals with "thin" thinking, starvation, self induced purging, or an obsession with weight. These can all be part of an eating disorder, but they do not even begin to describe what life with one is really like.
When I think of eating disorders I think...Extreme fear of food, overwhelming pain (both emotional and physical), paralyzing fear, unattainable control, perfectionism, low self esteem, depression, even death. Feelings of being worthless, trapped, and without hope are often there as well.
An eating disorder is not simply an issue of dealing with an unhealthy relationship with food or weight. It goes much deeper than that. An eating disorder is not a sickness that stands on its own. It is a symptom of lies we believe. It is a coping mechanism for pain and uncertainty we face in life. There is an unrealistic standard we are living to please.
In an earlier visit with one of my counselors, she told me that she could not work any harder than I was willing to work. In order to get over my eating issues, I had to start dealing with what was causing them. No-one else could do it for me (..as much as I would have loved having that as an option.. ;-) This is one of the first things I think we need to realize to start a full recovery.
Wanting to be somewhere else in life and getting there are two very different things. We are going to have to be willing to put in a lot of work (and tears) to reach our goal of freedom. It can be scary to start dealing with the emotional side of "Ed". It's not always going to be easy..infact painful at times. But it will be totally worth it!
I know right now there may not be an obvious light at the end of the tunnel inspiring us to go on. But it is there! We just have to get up and take those first few steps in faith...believing that someday that light of hope will appear, encouraging us to fight that much harder.
"It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop."
I do not want to make this blog's focus to be all "woe is thee who doth suffer from disordered eating". :-p I have been down that road full of self pity and pouting many times. (who am I kidding...I am still on it..oops..) This road has never taken me anywhere worth being in life though.
I want this to be a blog of action and application. That is what will take us over to freedom!
Just remember...
"Anything worth having is worth fighting for"
Are you ready?
I think some common thoughts may be... Someone who deals with "thin" thinking, starvation, self induced purging, or an obsession with weight. These can all be part of an eating disorder, but they do not even begin to describe what life with one is really like.
When I think of eating disorders I think...Extreme fear of food, overwhelming pain (both emotional and physical), paralyzing fear, unattainable control, perfectionism, low self esteem, depression, even death. Feelings of being worthless, trapped, and without hope are often there as well.
An eating disorder is not simply an issue of dealing with an unhealthy relationship with food or weight. It goes much deeper than that. An eating disorder is not a sickness that stands on its own. It is a symptom of lies we believe. It is a coping mechanism for pain and uncertainty we face in life. There is an unrealistic standard we are living to please.
In an earlier visit with one of my counselors, she told me that she could not work any harder than I was willing to work. In order to get over my eating issues, I had to start dealing with what was causing them. No-one else could do it for me (..as much as I would have loved having that as an option.. ;-) This is one of the first things I think we need to realize to start a full recovery.
Wanting to be somewhere else in life and getting there are two very different things. We are going to have to be willing to put in a lot of work (and tears) to reach our goal of freedom. It can be scary to start dealing with the emotional side of "Ed". It's not always going to be easy..infact painful at times. But it will be totally worth it!
I know right now there may not be an obvious light at the end of the tunnel inspiring us to go on. But it is there! We just have to get up and take those first few steps in faith...believing that someday that light of hope will appear, encouraging us to fight that much harder.
"It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop."
I do not want to make this blog's focus to be all "woe is thee who doth suffer from disordered eating". :-p I have been down that road full of self pity and pouting many times. (who am I kidding...I am still on it..oops..) This road has never taken me anywhere worth being in life though.
I want this to be a blog of action and application. That is what will take us over to freedom!
Just remember...
"Anything worth having is worth fighting for"
Are you ready?
Friday, July 30, 2010
Journey To Freedom
First, I would like to thank those of you that have taken the time to write some words of encouragement! You have been a great blessing to me! :-)
Next, before I really get into blogging about my steps of recovery, I would like to share a quick version of my story so you can know a little of where I'm coming from. I wrote this over a year ago but still read it often to remind myself of my goals and the reason I am even fighting this battle. This is no way for someone to live.
Eating disorders can come in many forms (Extreme Dieting, Anorexia, Bulimia, Orthorexia, EDNOS,....) My own personal battle, however, is against Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D)
"Hello. My Name is Amy. I am a binge eater and this is my story..." ;-)
~Once upon a time I was skinny. While that's how I looked on the outside, inside I felt fat, hidious, and undesireable. Extreme? Maybe. But it's what I truly believed about myself starting around the wonderful age of 14. Thoughts of becoming thinner and how that would make me prettier and more likable started to consume me...and as goes the story for many young girls with this mindset, yes, an eating disorder slowly started finding its way into my life.
I was afraid of food and what it would do to me. Everything that made it into my mouth I regretted later. I would exercise obsessively and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had sweat enough that day to make up for my calorie intake (even if that meant staying up passed 2am). Exercise could mean: dancing, tons of pilates, walking for hours, crunches, push-ups, weights, etc..all in one day!
I remember overeating and then exercising once to the point of being sick. I was laid up the whole next day but was still unwilling to admit there was a problem. My only problem, I thought, was being "overweight".
As the years went by, and after trying numerous ways to control the weight, depression started hitting. I was never measuring up to my own expectations. I was never good enough! I failed! Those lies filled my own mind, but I quickly started to believe that that was what everyone else was thinking too. "Who could want me? How could anyone love me? Why would someone want a failure like this around?" Feelings of complete worthlessness were ruining me...
The lies growing, the depression worsening, my eating disorder started to change. Now it took the form of emotional eating in response to the depression. This caused me to gain 15 pounds in a short period of time. You think I felt fat before?! Though I felt ashamed of my weight gain and appearance, I couldn't seem to stop eating. Was I just out of control?! This led to more depression...which led to more eating... which led to more weight gain...which led to more depression.... And I think you can start to see the pattern here. An ongoing cycle that keeps feeding off itself.
But it's time for that cycle to end! I COULD be a size 2! But if that means feeling no energy throughout the day, living with depression, malnutrition, low self-esteem, and numerous other health conditions which are linked to eating disorders and can be potentionally fatal...I DON'T WANT IT!
I'm tired of living in a time where we are so often fed to believe "thin is in!"
Today I choose to stop bowing down to my idol- the scale...the size 2 jeans...acceptance...the lies! I want to be HEALTHY again! I want the energy back to start living and enjoying this life God gave me! I want to believe that I don't have to be a certain size or look a certain way to be loved. I want to be me again! To accept and become the person God desires me to be! Not this unrealistic person I have drawn out for myself...
...I know that just admitting my weakness is not going to help me get better. I'm going to have to work for this. There will be old and new temptations and many hard days ahead...
An addiction revolved around food is, I honestly believe, one of the hardest to overcome.
We NEED the nutrition food provides us with daily. I can't just say I want to get over my eating issues and throw away all my food to never be reminded of my past again...
Our bodies can only function in a healthy manner when we take proper care of them. Each meal I sit down for is a potential reminder and temptation to take control again. The temptation to say "No" to what I need and give in to what has brought me here in the first place is always there.
I know there is victory over this and that God can use my personal struggle to relate to others in similar situations. I want them to see that they too can overcome this. I can't wait for the day when I can look back to what I've been through, standing in my freedom!
Next, before I really get into blogging about my steps of recovery, I would like to share a quick version of my story so you can know a little of where I'm coming from. I wrote this over a year ago but still read it often to remind myself of my goals and the reason I am even fighting this battle. This is no way for someone to live.
Eating disorders can come in many forms (Extreme Dieting, Anorexia, Bulimia, Orthorexia, EDNOS,....) My own personal battle, however, is against Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D)
"Hello. My Name is Amy. I am a binge eater and this is my story..." ;-)
~Once upon a time I was skinny. While that's how I looked on the outside, inside I felt fat, hidious, and undesireable. Extreme? Maybe. But it's what I truly believed about myself starting around the wonderful age of 14. Thoughts of becoming thinner and how that would make me prettier and more likable started to consume me...and as goes the story for many young girls with this mindset, yes, an eating disorder slowly started finding its way into my life.
I was afraid of food and what it would do to me. Everything that made it into my mouth I regretted later. I would exercise obsessively and would not allow myself to go to bed until I had sweat enough that day to make up for my calorie intake (even if that meant staying up passed 2am). Exercise could mean: dancing, tons of pilates, walking for hours, crunches, push-ups, weights, etc..all in one day!
I remember overeating and then exercising once to the point of being sick. I was laid up the whole next day but was still unwilling to admit there was a problem. My only problem, I thought, was being "overweight".
As the years went by, and after trying numerous ways to control the weight, depression started hitting. I was never measuring up to my own expectations. I was never good enough! I failed! Those lies filled my own mind, but I quickly started to believe that that was what everyone else was thinking too. "Who could want me? How could anyone love me? Why would someone want a failure like this around?" Feelings of complete worthlessness were ruining me...
The lies growing, the depression worsening, my eating disorder started to change. Now it took the form of emotional eating in response to the depression. This caused me to gain 15 pounds in a short period of time. You think I felt fat before?! Though I felt ashamed of my weight gain and appearance, I couldn't seem to stop eating. Was I just out of control?! This led to more depression...which led to more eating... which led to more weight gain...which led to more depression.... And I think you can start to see the pattern here. An ongoing cycle that keeps feeding off itself.
But it's time for that cycle to end! I COULD be a size 2! But if that means feeling no energy throughout the day, living with depression, malnutrition, low self-esteem, and numerous other health conditions which are linked to eating disorders and can be potentionally fatal...I DON'T WANT IT!
I'm tired of living in a time where we are so often fed to believe "thin is in!"
Today I choose to stop bowing down to my idol- the scale...the size 2 jeans...acceptance...the lies! I want to be HEALTHY again! I want the energy back to start living and enjoying this life God gave me! I want to believe that I don't have to be a certain size or look a certain way to be loved. I want to be me again! To accept and become the person God desires me to be! Not this unrealistic person I have drawn out for myself...
...I know that just admitting my weakness is not going to help me get better. I'm going to have to work for this. There will be old and new temptations and many hard days ahead...
An addiction revolved around food is, I honestly believe, one of the hardest to overcome.
We NEED the nutrition food provides us with daily. I can't just say I want to get over my eating issues and throw away all my food to never be reminded of my past again...
Our bodies can only function in a healthy manner when we take proper care of them. Each meal I sit down for is a potential reminder and temptation to take control again. The temptation to say "No" to what I need and give in to what has brought me here in the first place is always there.
I know there is victory over this and that God can use my personal struggle to relate to others in similar situations. I want them to see that they too can overcome this. I can't wait for the day when I can look back to what I've been through, standing in my freedom!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Where I have been The Past Couple Months...
Wow! It's been a long time since I have been on here...
..I'm afraid I have been lacking to find inspiration and motivation lately. The past couple months I have been suffering from a relapse in both depression and with my "lovely friend, Ed" (also known as an Eating Disorder...) These things have walked hand and hand, feeding each other and playing an unfortunately large roll in my life. However, earlier this year I had a taste of what life could be like without them. A life of freedom. Freedom to accept myself for who I am...Freedom to eat without fear...Freedom to just be me! That freedom tasted goood. ;-)
But as we all know, life has a way of changing quite often and at times without much warning. Instead of falling, looking at the road blocks that had landed in my path, and getting up to deal with them... I fell. Stared at the large blocks. Then grabbed some poptarts and everything else I could find to eat (or chose to starve myself). Sad but true.
I stayed there..confused and scared. The longer I stayed down though, the more my old habits were starting to find their way back to me. It didn't take long before I felt they had taken back control of defining who I was and how I live my life.
This is where you find me now. I feel stuck and very discouraged with myself. But in remembering that I have experienced joy and freedom in the past..this shows me that it can be experienced again. It is possible.
So. Instead of continuing to suffer in my relapse. I now choose to use it. I think I found my inspiration and motivation for my blog once again. ;-)
My next series of posts will be mostly centered around the journey to recovery. Not only my own recovery, but I hope to hear from you as well. I would love to see where your journey has/is taking, showing, and teaching you now. Let this be a place of encouragement and hope. We are not in this battle alone.
..I'm afraid I have been lacking to find inspiration and motivation lately. The past couple months I have been suffering from a relapse in both depression and with my "lovely friend, Ed" (also known as an Eating Disorder...) These things have walked hand and hand, feeding each other and playing an unfortunately large roll in my life. However, earlier this year I had a taste of what life could be like without them. A life of freedom. Freedom to accept myself for who I am...Freedom to eat without fear...Freedom to just be me! That freedom tasted goood. ;-)
But as we all know, life has a way of changing quite often and at times without much warning. Instead of falling, looking at the road blocks that had landed in my path, and getting up to deal with them... I fell. Stared at the large blocks. Then grabbed some poptarts and everything else I could find to eat (or chose to starve myself). Sad but true.
I stayed there..confused and scared. The longer I stayed down though, the more my old habits were starting to find their way back to me. It didn't take long before I felt they had taken back control of defining who I was and how I live my life.
This is where you find me now. I feel stuck and very discouraged with myself. But in remembering that I have experienced joy and freedom in the past..this shows me that it can be experienced again. It is possible.
So. Instead of continuing to suffer in my relapse. I now choose to use it. I think I found my inspiration and motivation for my blog once again. ;-)
My next series of posts will be mostly centered around the journey to recovery. Not only my own recovery, but I hope to hear from you as well. I would love to see where your journey has/is taking, showing, and teaching you now. Let this be a place of encouragement and hope. We are not in this battle alone.
Friday, May 21, 2010
My Own Worst Enemy
*I want to believe
but find it hard to surrender
to be in the family
but not like the others
I stand as my own
and not with the world
it seems so routine
for a spontaneous girl
yet even through those thoughts
these scream even louder
where am I?
who am I?
why am I here?
*I want to laugh
without all the shame
a thing felt unfair
while others face pain
we have such convenience
but feel all put out
I want to feel poverty
but long for more wealth
and even through those thoughts
these scream even louder
why me before others?
when did that come routine?
me be a god?
by what reasoning?
*I want to live
with no need to fit in
I want to hand all
only over to Him
but still in my heart
I go searching for more
empty fulfillment
now more lost than before
acceptance, I fight it
but instead draw it closer
converting my enemy into my brother
still through those thoughts
these scream even louder
what's this I search for?
a cure for such heartache?
is it worth my pursuing?
or have I started too late?
*I want to look back
without such regrets
but fighting through life
I stop and I rest
looking back where I've been
there's one bold lettered word
"failure" stands out
makes me wonder my worth
now through those thoughts
these scream even louder
can mistakes be erased?
can the glass be unshattered?
what is the process?
wonder, what does it take?
calm my one biggest fear
must I come face to face
with myself?
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Thoughts...
...Sometimes in Life...
It's the small things that mean the most
...Sometimes in Life...
It's the unspoken that speaks the loudest
...Sometimes in Life...
It's the giving that brings back the most reward
...Sometimes in Life...
We have to feel weak to realize our strength
...Sometimes in Life...
We have to feel pain before we can heal
...Sometimes in Life...
We must have nothing before noticing we have everything...
~Love~
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