My Own Worst Enemy

*I want to believe

but find it hard to surrender

to be in the family

but not like the others

I stand as my own

and not with the world

it seems so routine

for a spontaneous girl

yet even through those thoughts

these scream even louder

where am I?

who am I?

why am I here?

*I want to laugh

without all the shame

a thing felt unfair

while others face pain

we have such convenience

but feel all put out

I want to feel poverty

but long for more wealth

and even through those thoughts

these scream even louder

why me before others?

when did that come routine?

me be a god?

by what reasoning?

*I want to live

with no need to fit in

I want to hand all

only over to Him

but still in my heart

I go searching for more

empty fulfillment

now more lost than before

acceptance, I fight it

but instead draw it closer

converting my enemy into my brother

still through those thoughts

these scream even louder

what's this I search for?

a cure for such heartache?

is it worth my pursuing?

or have I started too late?

*I want to look back

without such regrets

but fighting through life

I stop and I rest

looking back where I've been

there's one bold lettered word

"failure" stands out

makes me wonder my worth

now through those thoughts

these scream even louder

can mistakes be erased?

can the glass be unshattered?

what is the process?

wonder, what does it take?

calm my one biggest fear

must I come face to face

with myself?